This stuff gets me in the mood……….
I’ve been receiving some really great emails and comments since I’ve started sharing more posts on Facebook. & I can’t express enough how much it means. Truth is, no matter what you do, or how strongly you feel about something, it still feels like a risk to share yourself. Even to people you know. So thank you to those of you who have reached out to share with me, your own experiences…….
The latest of the messages I received was from an old acquaintance from “back in your wild days” as they put it (they weren’t sure if I’d remember who they were. Turns out I do) They were writing, “Just to say hey and that they were glad that it seemed I had gotten rid of my demons from back then.” They wrote a brief summary of their own life as of late and wished me well. After I read it I felt weird, like my skin didn’t fit right. I was irked. What the fuck kind of “hey, it’s good to see you” was that anyway? “I’m glad to see you’re not at fucked up as you used to be.” Kind of felt like a passive jab. But as part of my efforts to get a grip on what happens in my brain, my growly face reactions have become a trigger for me to take that closer look at why. To move from defensive, jealous or spiteful into curiosity. So sure, when I imagine the things I have said or done that would have flagged me as “troubled” I feel a little cringe. But anymore that’s all it is, a pin prick. So why be bothered by this?
Because my demons are not gone. My devil still lives in me. Happily I might add. My reaction was out of feeling protective of parts of myself that I have actually grown quiet fond of. Because when I stopped focusing on “improving” and instead put my efforts towards realizing and understanding, I gained an immense amount of compassion for myself. I was able to let go of the resentment I held for the “evil” me. I invited her in. I began to see she and I as the same, divided only by the ideas impressed upon us that we have to choose. At odds because we weren’t working together.
So what if, instead of trying to exterminate or ignore our demons. Our raw, uncut versions. Our lusty, defiant, reckless selves we look right at them and invite them in? I’d love to hear about your experiences with accepting the darkness in you. Do share. As for my response to my pen pal, I haven’t gotten rid of my demons. We’ve just become friends. Xoxo
Jones and I had a date night….it was purrrrrfect. After it all, (wink wink) he showed me this video…..said he thought “it was like the little boy is like your spirit waking up with you, and then waiting for you to join him in all the all places you wish you were instead.”
me: Isn’t it crazy that places like that actually exist?
Jones: “it’s crazy that places like that exist, and people choose to stay in the city instead.
I love that he’s performing with himself, I took the song to mean as much too. Stick close with yourself.
There is this thing that happens in a women’s body, I believe the technical term is ovulation. But due to it’s uselessness to me, as I do not desire children, I have come to refer to it as having, “tits of rage.” Ladies, you know what I am talking about. You wake up, look in the mirror and hot damn if you’ve never looked so good. Your features are defined, your skin is firm, your breasts are full, your eyes are bright and on top of that you can feel your sexiness coursing through your veins, but you also have only one nerve and you will slay a mother fucker if they step on it, your clumsy, can’t remember where you put anything and did I mention everyone is annoying?
Well today is that day. But different than previous days like this, something just clicked, a realization if you will.
It’s taken me years of picking fights and feeling totally depressed. Taking it personal that I can’t get motivated and making up reasons why the world and it’s inhabitants are shit. It’s taken years of forgetting that I am getting a mega dose of the sexy time, hate juice called hormones to realize that, just like these tits, just about everything I am feeling is a mirage, and NOT to be taken seriously. The fog will lift in a day or two. Realizations like these are bitter sweet, as it is cringe worthy to think of the carnage I have left in my wake, the unnecessary tears I have shed and the embarrassingly bitchy things I have said. But what a great thing to be able to understand the cryptic language our bodies speak, to “have the wisdom to know the difference” between our reality and this emotionally inebriated state. All to often we speak out of turn and act on an impulse that is purely driven by an imbalance in our emotions (this is true for guys too) So pay attention, learn the signals and don’t fall for the same trap over and over. So today I just kept to myself. Well after I bitched at Jones for our house being cluttered, to which he gently pointed out that all the shit is mine, I kept to myself. I loved on my clients and spent my break writing and reading in my room. Putting all my frustrations and doubts on paper, rather than giving them weight by speaking. I came home, ate some dinner and have spent the rest of the evening enjoying feeling sexy and somber.
So do yourself a favor when you start to feel the rage, the irritation or the sadness and it seems like it’s for no good reason, remind yourself that it just that. Without a reason. Go easy on those around you, don’t make rash decisions, relish your body and keep your mouth shut.
The first time I heard Dan from Listener speak his music I remember spending
a long time afterward quiet and still. Like I needed to digest. I think it’s the kind of experience that you
like or you don’t, but are affected by either way. Later when I actually got a chance to talk to him
I learned why that is.
when it comes right out of someone’s soul you can’t not feel it.
So tonight Listener and The Homeless Gospel Choir are back in town. If you haven’t had a chance to
check them out yet do so now.