These are some of my favorite and most rewarding sensations and I crave them all on a daily basis. And yet, despite my eagerness to feel them, there are times that I struggle to even know where to find them.
Things go bland. Monotony settles in and before I know it I am getting ‘excited’ over the latest episode of some mini series. Shit. Now I do accept that my expectations for everyday to feel like a wild love affair, filled with adventure and passion is a tall order, but I am also not striving for some kind of ‘nympho hippie on ecstasy’ type of awakening (although that sounds like a great Halloween costume) What I am doing is refusing to believe that its inevitable that life gets boring. That adulthood means less of a spark and I am fighting this subliminal idea that being sober means my wild days are behind me. The reckless maybe…..but not the wild. I am serious about there being a way to defend against the mundane by making room for the stimulating.
Now it has really only been in the last couple of years that I have begun to give any real thought to what it actually takes to see these cravings satisfied and in the last few months that I starting taking real action to do so. But it has been in the last 10 days that I have gained the most clarity on the subject. I can totally agree that yes, it is necessary for me to have these feelings alive within me no matter where I am, but now I can see that I’ve been going about it all wrong.
For starters, let me back up just a bit and say that I don’t think anyone would be surprised if I described myself as a sensual person. I know this to be a fundamental part of who I am and it’s directly connected to my creativity and desire to experience life.That being said, I don’t think it can be argued that once I catch a buzz this inherent sensuality turns straight sexual real easy and as it turns out this can cause some problems. Somewhere along the line I got my wires crossed about being sensual and sexual and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a sexual person,the fact still remains that sensual and sexual are complimentary but not the same. Sensuality is about using our senses in order to become connected to our environment. To communicate through touch, explore through taste, be drawn in by a smell or to learn more from hearing. It’s about being stimulated on many levels and THIS is what I was really after.
But like I said, at some point I got confused about the two and quickly named getting buzzed as my one way ticket to sexy town. Which is another thing I had confused….. That being buzzed is sexy. Its not. As it turns out and despite how it felt at the time, the MORE buzzed I would get the LESS sexy I would actually become. I mean seriously, what kind of cruel fucking joke is that? Never the less it makes total sense to me now, that having spent the last years on a crusade to get in touch with my deepest desires I inadvertently regressed right back to my adolescent mentality that partying was the best way for me to unleash my ‘true nature’
So at this point there is no reason to count how often I believed myself to be some kind of high priestess in an ancient order of sex kittens, slinking around all cunning and hot. Thinking I had tapped into to deeper existence and was making real connections with people, being touchy and leaning in close. Because in hindsight, I know it more accurate to describe myself as a slob kabob who would end up with a drunk face, lazy eye and saying annoying shit. To which I say Goddammit that’s embarrassing. But what’s even more, is the irony that fact that the more buzzed you get, the less your senses actually work. So there you go, the whole point of the mission lost, right along with my annunciation and fine motor skills.
Nevertheless, I’ve spent years not willing to let go of something that was hurting me, embarrassing me and never really delivering on getting me any closer to what I wanted because I was convinced that it was the direct link to some ‘truer’ part of myself. Well at least until the next day when I felt like I wanted to be anyone but me. But it’s been the promise of that feeling, even if temporary, that has been enough to keep me stuck doing the same shit and coming back for more.
So now, I’ve made the decision to be sober for good (it’s been two weeks now and the details are still sinking in) and am prepared for it to be hard but more importantly, I know that the only way this will stand a chance to last is to uncross those wires so that I can finally have access to that genuinely uninhibited, fearless and sensual feeling of really being alive. All senses go and all on my own. I want an instant access pass. So just the same way I untangle a mess of real wires, I track my favorite sensations back to their root and arrive at the most basic and elemental connection to feeling alive. Pleasure.
I prefer mine organic and wild. Raw and unrehearsed.The kind you feel to your core. The kind that leaves no room for thinking. Just feeling. Basically what this comes down to is being present and awake to whats happening right where you are and being able to suck the tasty marrow right out of the bone of every moment, licking your fingers, saying Ah and reaching for the next one. (I just made this analogy up, but it makes for a great visual eh?)
So how does one learn how to suck moment marrow? You practice. Just like anything else you want to be better at.
The details of pleasure are different for everyone and to really discover what yours are you have to take the time to find out what really trips your senses. To let yourself be driven by curiosity & to listen to your desires. To trust your instinct and creativity in order to discover new things and then to surrender to what feels the best. Sex is an obvious place to start and its true, a really great orgasm, either with yourself or with company is a very effective way to get in touch with what being stimulated, pleased and satisfied feels like. But I am learning that this is where those wires can get crossed. Because being sexual is not at all the only way to feel pleasure. In fact it goes far beyond that.
I also suggest, whatever it is you find that you really enjoy, that you explore it over and over. When pleasure is the measure, repetition only deepens the reward. Let me say that again.
When pleasure is the measure, repetition only deepens the reward.
For as your connection with genuine pleasure strengthens, so does your instinct for what’s good for you. You start to raise the bar for what else you consider to be truly enjoyable and gratifying. Your choices about other things in your life begin to change and you will find yourself drawn more to what really pleases you, because now you know what does. And before too long you’re looking to your pleasure meter to help make decisions about everyday things and actively pursuing your desires to get them in place for the future. Your days start to feel fuller, richer and more like your own. And from where I’m sitting, it’s looking like this is when life really starts to get good.