I am a start over girl. A table clearing, burn it all, leave in the night, kind of girl. It is a dysfunctional by-product of anxiety, perfectionism, curiosity and restlessness, but as of late I have been feeling like there has to be a better way. Sometimes it’s mild, like re-writing my To-Do list until I like my handwriting, or changing the color of my hair. Other times it’s more drastic, like in a fit of fashion frustration, putting everything in a bag as it comes out of the dryer and driving it straight to Goodwill. Once, I even got in my car and left for work, only to drive straight past it and never look back. Now somethings are meant to be wiped clean, as that job was at a Bob Evans, but the point is more that it was a decision made from compulsion rather than a conscious and intentional change. An option that, as I mature, only seems to carry greater loss. So this feeling I’ve been having, this desire for an uprooting” of sorts has me in a unique situation. Unique because, somehow after years of compulsive starting over, taking few things seriously and doing my damnedest to not get attached, I have still managed to find myself with a collection of pretty great circumstances. Great enough that I am not willing to just walk away from any of them. Great enough that I am pretty well attached and yet, my insatiable wanderlust and rumbling hunger for brand new surroundings, anonymity, adventure and variety is far from curbed.
But with decisions about careers, relationships, family, dreams, money and friends looming about, I can totally see how this is where so many people get stuck. Either surrendering to the idea of settling down, making commitments, signing contracts and growing old or deciding to never care about anything. It’s easy to feel like it would be selfish, or irresponsible to walk away from any of it or risk instability just for some curious desire to know more but for me it’s equally as heavy to consider this as being the best there is, no matter how good it is. But my default to take the easy way, to sneak out and bail, doesn’t feel right to me any more either. Goddamn adult hood.
So what I am left with is accepting that there is not going to be a clear path when it comes to changing course or picking a new direction.and I am encouraged when I remember that no decision is more right than the one made in love and no love is more important than that which we feel for ourselves. That those of us who live with courage in our hearts will be bound together always, and those who do not…..well, that’s their problem. The “rules” of growing up are all fucked up anyway and as far as I can tell doing things traditionally isn’t going to bring me anywhere close to what I want. I envy none who have followed the marked trail and am inspired by those who forge their own way. I will gladly be a single feather loose in the wind and live committed to being free, finding comfort in the truth that there is always more to be and that those who are able to understand us, do so because they understand themselves.