Trust Thyself

It’s pouring rain, I’m sipping a hot cup of tea and think I will stay in my pajamas today and listen to this DJSabo mix on repeat.

Those first few minutes from Psapp just put me in such a good head space, but the whole mix makes me feel pretty damn good. In fact I’ve been moved to stop what I’m doing a few times already for a slow groove dance break with myself and to call me relaxed would be an understatement, thus putting me in the best heart space I have been in a long time and fuck it feels good.

I was lucky enough to have seen Sabo do a live set in Brooklyn a couple of months ago and I’ll be damned if I didn’t leave the dance floor until something like 3 am. That night is definitely on the top of my favorites so far here in NYC and I have revisited it many times in my mind since. I think it meant so much because I really felt like I belonged in that moment. Moving and sweating together, the bass line pressing us closer to each other. I stayed high on that for awhile.

Then came more winter, more days alone and less clarity about what I was doing here. I wrote to you in February about it, and the love that I got from you definitely helped me to feel like I didn’t need to throw in the towel quite yet, so thank you. (I’ve actually put together a 6 Tips written from all the support I got from you. It will publish soon)

I also Feng Shui’d my apartment, got a little money from the sale of my car and did some quality control on what I was eating. But what has really helped me to get back in tune with myself was remembering that I wanted this. I made lots of decisions and sacrifices in honor of why I felt I needed to do this and stepped into it willingly. I was able to take a deep breath and find a lot of relief when I stopped panicking and just started trusting. Trusting the self that had the vision and made the decision to pursue it. I have to believe that, although I often teeter between bravery and recklessness, I would not have put myself in a position I didn’t believe in myself enough to navigate.

It was meant to be a big experiment with myself as the subject and the hope that it would also be a kind of romantic adventure. But romance is just a phase and when too much of what we think about ourselves gets wrapped up in tangible achievements, validation from those who’s options we depend on and assurance that there is some reward at the other end of the effort we loose our buoyancy and start to sink. It’s easy to loose touch with the accomplishments that no one can see. The victories that happen within us.

tintype(traditional wet plate portrait by the wonderful Josh Wool)

When we find ourselves in a place that’s too far in to go back, but not far enough through to see the light we have to remember to trust ourselves and know that we belong right where we are.

“In yourself right now is all the place you’ve got.”
Flannery O’Connor

Lana Del Rey-Ride

I seriously am never sure what to do when I find myself still awake at 4:30 a.m. Do I hurry and go to bed allowing myself to sleep far into the day, or do I just stay up. Stay up until I drop. What is it about the early morning hours, the place far beyond tired, that holds my place of rest and shines light on some of my deepest insights?

This night/morning’s clarity comes from this perfect piece from Lana Del-Rey. In truth there could be something realized from every line but something very specific made its way to me from this and it is……Sometimes, when you come to understand things about yourself and you’re not sure how to respond, it’s just better not to.

“When I’m at war with myself I ride, I just ride……..”

 

 

Holocene

Jones and I had a date night….it was purrrrrfect. After it all, (wink wink)  he showed me this video…..said he thought “it was like the little boy is like your spirit waking up with you, and then waiting for you to join him in all the all places you wish you were instead.”

me: Isn’t it crazy that places like that actually exist?

Jones: “it’s crazy that places like that exist, and people choose to stay in the city instead.