This is me at 5, and now, all grown into my 31 year old skin. I love these pictures together because I know what lies between them. In years and experiences, epic failures, miraculous revivals, evolutionary growth and wisdom. Not to mention it makes me laugh out loud to know that my knees turn in and my long arms hang at my sides the same as always. But above all else when I look at these two stages of my life, I am filled up knowing that the essence of who I am still remains. That it’s always been there. You may call it by a different name, but for me I understand it as my soul. The infinite space that sits deep within me. From which comes my instinct, potential and personal truth.
At 5 I didn’t know anything other than living as my whole and truest self, but as I got older I got discouraged. I knew few people who felt about the world and themselves as I did and fewer still who were even close to my age. I felt lonely, weird, disappointed and super self conscious that I was missing out….on something. I started feeling like this part of me that was often referred to as ” wise beyond my years” or being an “old soul” was really more of a burden as it seemed to exclude me from far more than it included me in. And old soul or not, feeling like you belong is a really important part of growing up. That being said I spent the bulk of my adolescence and a good portion of my 20’s hitting my soul’s snooze button. Be it through insecurities, addictions, relationships, negative thinking, lifestyle and just plain laziness. But more than anything else I stopped telling the truth. I’m not just talking about the ‘untruths’ I would tell my parents about what I was doing on a Friday night, I am talking about the lies I was telling myself about what kind of person I was, what I deserved, what I really wanted from life and what I was willing to do to get it. I had turned off my connection with that “knowing” inside of me. (We do have a switch you know) and things were not looking good.
Fast forward to now. It’s been over 10 years since I finished a super intense rehab program, and just about 8 since I became a full time Massage Therapist, and I am still working to stay connected. But all in all and despite some bumps in the road I have been on a steady incline of growth and feel pretty pleased with where I stand.
Unfortunately there is no one event or action that can be named about how to get turned back on. There is no absolute recipe or formula. For me it came down to making the commitment to be honest with myself, about myself. Which essentially brought me to understand that……
Nothing will tangle me up faster than my own mind.
Nothing will slow me down faster than my own body.
Nothing will kill me faster than living with an uninspired soul.
At first this was a really depressing realization as it seemed that I would be forever on a path of self defeat, always sabotaging myself and getting in my own way. Then the perspective came to me that if I was the worst of what was out to get me and assumed total responsibility for this, then was it not also I who could determine how deeply satisfying my life could be? Abso-fucking-lutely.
So this is were I am now. Striving everyday to get connected to my authentic self. To treat my body as my temple, seek out my personal truth and let my soul be my guide. But seriously no joke and deep thoughts aside, it is like a full time job. It is not always pleasant or graceful and is certainly not easy and yet having even a moment with myself, my whole self, makes it all necessary. Because since I’ve committed to seeking the truth and assuming full responsibility for the quality of my life, shit just keeps getting better and better and better.
*And as of February 1st 2013, I have decided to commit to a life of sobriety so I imagine that it won’t take long at all before I can add a few more ‘better and better and betters’ to the previous list.
Currently I am enjoying my lovely and most gratifying career as a Licensed Massage Therapist and Certified Wellness Coach. I am humbled everyday by being let into my clients lives and am certain that they have saved me from myself a hundred times over.
I am also the Owner/Designer/Operator for Made of Ash, a handmade clothing and accessories line I started as a means of having an outlet some of the darker parts of life and satisfying my need to create and belief in the importance of expressing ourselves through personal style .
I am committed to living as authentically myself as I can stand, am enamored with photography, and use fowl language. Love is my religion, my sacred number is six, I collect tattoos and have a deep seated wanderlust lust and have been known to change my mind. Oh and sometimes I lie.
I feel pretty strongly about sharing our personal experiences with each other so that we might learn more about ourselves. Mildly obsessed actually. I love getting down and dirty on the topic of our human experiences. Not to mention I am always thinking and feeling and evolving and need a space to purge it all. What is knowledge if not shared.