Posted on March 22, 2012 by emeryruth

Today I got more than irritated, I got fucking angry. The details of which seem irrelevant now compared to the insight I gained, but the quick version is that in my attempt to be flexible and understanding to someone else’s position I ended up getting shafted.

Now as you already know, I feel pretty strongly about maintaining the clarity of mind to gauge how big of a deal something is and respond accordingly. I also have personally done a lot of work to instinctively seek out a forward moving/positive outlook when the view is otherwise dismal and utilize my ability to adjust my perspectives in order to see a solution in challenging circumstances. To put it simply, most of the times that I find myself faced with a dilemma I don’t mind to bend a bit if it means everybody feels good in the end. This is different than being a push over when you genuinely don’t mind to adjust, but today when I was basically told in twice as many words ” thanks for understanding why you can’t, but they can. I know it sucks to always be the bigger person, but it’s just easier this way.” My initial response was to say okay and move on because arguing rarely seems worth it to me and being considered the bigger person should be a compliment, but as the day wore on I just couldn’t shake feeling taken advantage of. Then it occurred to me.

Being the bigger person does not mean you’ve got to take it in the ass.

This is a politically incorrect way of saying it, but it seems that being the bigger person is often confused with having to compromise yourself, settling for less, be treated unfairly and ultimately being left without a voice in the matter. What a grotesque misunderstanding of a phrase that should be used to describe someone with integrity, self awareness and leadership.

Now I am not gonna lie, when I realized that I was getting screwed all because I was voted less likely to cause a problem, cause a problem was all I wanted to do. I was ready to go back, teeth out and guns cocked, but knowing that the only relevant thing that I would have to say would be “you know, I got to thinking and it occurred to me that YOU SHOULD FUCK OFF” thus nullifying that stuff I said about clarity of mind and dignity, I instead took a moment to think about what being the bigger person actually meant to me, something I am not sure I’ve ever done, but what I concluded helped me to see that it’s less about being “the” bigger person and more about being “a” bigger person in general and gave me a good bit of motivation to keep these values alive in everything I do.

Being a Bigger Person

Being a bigger person means having enough self control to not react in haste. To maintain your dignity and live with integrity. Being a bigger person means having strong conviction but little need to argue about it. It’s less about making sacrifices and more about just not taking more than you need. It means giving other people room to be themselves without sacrificing yourself, making decisions in loving kindness, seeking out solutions that are best for everyone involved, and understanding the balance of give and take.You don’t have to be an asshole in order to stand up for yourself and you should never have to feel devalued in order to make it “easier” for someone else.

I thought this over a few times and looked down at my hands. Those are the words I have tattooed on my knuckles. Give.Take.

I got them done a couple of years ago when I was facing the challenge of selflessness vs. selfishness and decided that both were important…..and the wisdom to know the difference.

So I did go back, minus the teeth, guns and “fuck off” part and calmly and clearly stated (also in twice as many words) that I did not agree with how the situation had been handled. This opened up the door for a discussion that led into an incredible conversation that left me feeling like I really was a bigger person and a better person for having taken the time to do it right.

So next time you feel like you should “be the bigger person” make sure you do so by staying true to yourself and not just giving in.

Posted on February 5, 2012 by emeryruth

I have been working towards getting back on the “Eat Right and Feel Great” train and always find it helpful to use sharing and teaching what I am doing as motivation to keep doing it! I am also adamant about enjoying what I consume, as I feel it is a really important part of total health. It’s never made sense to me to make being healthy a chore or to force myself to consume things that I don’t enjoy. Truth is, the act of eating and how you approach it has health benefits all in it’s self and by combining deep satisfaction with high quality food I believe that you increase those benefits exponentially. Here is a quick How to Video/Recipe for a Healthy Vegan Chocolate Shake that I call the Cacao Pow. This drink is a perfect example of my theory as it is both, deeply satisfying in it’s decadence and jam packed with nutrition.

Recipe

8 oz Almond Milk

2 Tbs Cacao Powder

2 Tbs Almond Butter

1Tbs Coconut Oil

1 Banana

1 handful of ice

Posted on December 14, 2011 by emeryruth

How to be Happy: Another Memo to Myself

You start with your own body
then move outward, but not too far.
Never try to please a city, for example.
Nor will the easy intimacy
in small towns ever satisfy that need
you have only whispered in the dark.
A woman is a beginning.
She need not be pretty, but must know
how to make her own ceilings
out of all that’s beautiful in her.
Together you must love to exchange
gifts in the night, and agree
on the superfluity of ribbons,
the fine violence of breaking out
of yourselves. No matter,
it’s doubtful she will be enough for you,
or you for her. You must have friends
of both sexes. When you get together
you must feel everyone has brought
his fierce privacy with him
and is ready to share it. Prepare
yourself though to keep something back;
there’s a center in you
you are simply a comedian
without. Beyond this, it’s advisable
to have a skill. Learn how to make something:
food, a shoe box, a good day.
Remember, finally, there are few pleasures
that aren’t as local as your fingertips.
Never go to Europe for a cathedral.
In large groups, create a corner
in the middle of the room.

Stephen Dunn, from Looking For Holes In The Ceiling

Posted on December 7, 2011 by emeryruth

I am a start over girl. A table clearing, burn it all, leave in the night, kind of girl. It is a dysfunctional by-product of anxiety, perfectionism, curiosity and restlessness, but as of late I have been feeling like there has to be a better way. Sometimes it’s mild, like re-writing my To-Do list until I like my handwriting, or changing my hair. Other times it’s more drastic, like in a fit of fashion frustration, putting everything in a bag as it comes out of the dryer and driving it straight to Goodwill. Once, I even got in my car and left for work, only to drive straight past it and never look back. Now somethings are meant to be wiped clean, as that job was at a Bob Evans, but the point is more that it was a decision made from compulsion rather than a conscious and intentional change. An option that, as I mature, only seems to carry greater loss. So this feeling I’ve been having, this desire for an “uprooting” as I’ve taken to calling it, has me in a unique situation. But before I explain further, let me get dinner started.

I saw this recipe earlier this week and felt like it would hit the spot on this very cold and introspective day. I made A LOT of it thinking it will act as a great base for a variety of other meals for the rest of the week too, like an udon noodle bowl, or with tilapia.

Water
Broth
White Wine (add at the end)
Miso
Onion
Garlic
Ginger
Cabbage
Parsnips
Shiitake Mushrooms
Pears
Spinach
Love
Chop and simmer

Alright, so where was I? Oh yeah, in a “unique situation.” Unique because, somehow after years of compulsive starting over, taking few things seriously and doing my damnedest to not get attached, I have still managed to find myself with a collection of pretty great circumstances. Great enough that I am not willing to just walk away from any of them. Great enough that I am pretty well attached and yet, my insatiable wanderlust and rumbling hunger for brand new surroundings, anonymity, adventure and variety is far from curbed.

“So what exactly is the trouble you rambling girl?”

The trouble is that I am chomping at the bit for change. I am ready for something big, dramatic and deep and in order for this to happen, it would seem some tangible change is inevitable. So here I am, 26, successful, in love, so grateful, but asking myself, “what next.” A question which ultimately turns me into a pinball machine as I go back and forth within about what the next and best choices I should make in order to evolve in my life are. It’s been going on long enough that I am starting to get the sense that this is the very moment where a lot of people get stuck. A thought which, in and of it’s self, makes me shudder and think, “Oh shit.” Decisions about careers, relationships, family, dreams, hopes, money, friends and education, are down right nauseating. Feeling like it would be selfish, or irresponsible to walk away from any of it just for some curious desire to know more. Heavy with the pressure to be mature and humbled by the opportunities that have so graciously been given and yet I am not even close to being satisfied. A reality so complex that, for many, the only solution might seem to have to choose. Are you in or are you out? The most common option being that, one should concede to the idea that this very well may be the best there is. While the other would be, to succumb to the temptation to sneak away. Leave apologetic notes with requests for understanding and forgiveness or not, the risk remains that there might be no returning. God damn adult hood.

Good news is that as I was typing through the jumble, this little feather of a thought appeared. It’s suddenly become so clear, that all of this uncertainty is coming from being afraid of being alone.Not by being left behind, but by growing past all that I know. All of these questions and worries have been noise blocking what I know to be true. No decision is more right, than the one made in love. No love is more important than that which we feel for ourselves. Those of us who live with courage in our hearts will be bound together always, and those who do not…..well, that’s their problem. The “rules” of growing up are all fucked up anyway and as far as I can tell doing things traditionally isn’t going to bring me anywhere close to what I want. I envy none who have followed the marked trail and am inspired by those who forge their own way. I will gladly be a single feather loose in the wind and live in the reality that there is always more to be and that those who are able to understand us, do so because they understand themselves…

whew glad I got that all figured out, just in time to eat. xoxo

Posted on December 3, 2011 by emeryruth

Today I had this feeling that it’s taken me too long to write and that to do so now would be weird, or awkward. But that’s a super lame and ultimately unacceptable reason for me not to put my fingers back to these keys and write to you anyway. So I am typing and deleting, retyping and staring, just waiting for the flood gates to open up again. For a great thaw to occur inside my mind and for my thoughts to flow wildly like a river in the spring, or to rise up and crash onto the page the way the waves do in November.In the meantime I will count the cursor blinks between words ( I am up to 52) and stare at myself blankly in the mirror that sits at the foot of the bed (75). And it occurs to me. I am trying to get out of telling you about how Body Love Month went, cause I blew it after about two weeks. But I can’t not mention it at all since the only thing I’ve posted in months was that goddamn video about it. So there it is, my ice breaker and wouldn’t you know it, it’s the truth.

It started with coffee. Delicious and highly caffeinated, dressed in honey and chocolate almond milk, I was on to my second cup before I realized what I had done. But when I did I didn’t care. So instead of getting back on track I just scrapped the whole plan. I feel a bit disappointed that I gave up so easily and a tad resentful about my lack of self control /discipline. But ultimately I am embarrassed that I said something about it, in hopes it would help me follow through with it and didn’t. But all that aside I realize that I kind of expected this to be some life changing experience. Like drinking only water and tea would catapult me into some new life, transform my body and enlighten my mind. I would suddenly overcome my dysfunctional body image issues and reach a greater understanding of all things. But I am not Gandhi, fasting my way to a spiritual utopia is not in my plan. And I wasn’t even fasting. So obviously THOSE things didn’t happen. But let me tell you what DID happen.

I’ve been exercising consistently and feel great. In fact I have been GETTING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING to go to the gym, which is unheard of. and with the exception of that Cinnamon Crunch Pumpkin Pie with Bourbon Whipped cream I ate Thanksgiving weekend I have been eating pretty well. More importantly I have rekindled my love affair with the culinary arts and am cooking again.

I roasted my first chicken…I didn’t think to tie the legs together and am pretty sure I cooked it upside down, but there are fresh herbs stuffed inside. It turned out really well. We ate it with Marsala Mushroom and Chestnut Soup….I also made a Sun dried Tomato, basil and goat cheese quiche with almond milk instead of cream. So good.and my very favorite of all is this Ginger Pear Pie, which is really just cobbler in a crust. And if I were going to be super uppity about it I would call it an Organic Pear, Candied Ginger, Gluten Free Strudel Topped Vegan Pie. But I won’t.I challenged some insecurities and faced some fears by submitting some photos to a model search INKED Magazine was having.

Now I don’t want to be a model, so my goal was not to get a bunch of votes. What I wanted was, and is, not be afraid. Afraid of what exactly I can’t be sure yet. But it’s something along the lines of being afraid that someone might see my body the way I do. This is a terrifying thought. It’s also an infuriating thought, because I know my perception of myself is all fucked up. So it was more of a “look fear in the face” kind of exercise. And It was helpful, but the process of untangling myself from this net of self loathing seems endless. Sometime I will spend some time on the issue, but it’s a tender spot and so I try to keep it in small doses, but it is certainly more the issue I was trying to address via Body Love Month and has nothing to do with drinking coffee. Such a curious form of self sabotage to set goals irrelevant to the issue.

But the biggest thing this last month did for me is bring to my attention how ready I am to grow, evolve and transform in a big way. I am ready for an uprooting, a great adventure, a renewal. It’s funny to me how serious I was feeling about this liquid limitation exercise being the key, but it did help me to realize what I am actually hoping to accomplish and what I ACTUALLY need to do to accomplish this. So I take it back, Body Love Month was a huge success. I can’t wait to see what December reveals.

Posted on November 4, 2011 by emeryruth

So despite having things I’ve wanted to tell you every day, it’s taken me this long to sit down to write, and actually I didn’t even do that, I spoke..

(why vimeo chooses the stills it does for these videos I will never know…sheesh. but better yet, why do i make these faces at all?)

Posted on September 16, 2011 by emeryruth

Day 3

Day three could have ended after breakfast and we would have been happy, as Jones has been searching for the perfect plate of huevoes rancheros for as long as I have known him, and we found them at Señor Moose.

Modestly located just outside downtown Ballard, this place is a “must eat”.

Way stuffed but thoroughly satisfied later, we headed to board the Ferry to Bainbridge Island, for our wilderness adventure….

If you have never been on a ferry it’s actually rather exciting, waiting in line for your turn to pull your car onto the platform, going up to the upper level and watching as the city falls behind, sea air and TUG BOATS! It’s really just something you don’t get much of in the Midwest.

Once on land we drove up to see a friend in Port Townsend and then onward to Olympic National Park to see the sights of Lake Crescent

The real adventure started when we came across the Storm King Trail….

It looked cool so we took it, up and up and up…..It was steep and winding and really beautiful.

and it wasn’t until the sun started to drop, that we realized we had no water and remembered bears lived there, then it occurred to Jones to look at a map. A map that told us we were attempting to hike a 4 mile trail that wound up a 4, 534′ mountain, so we agreed our efforts were valiant and headed back down

to start on our 3 hour trip back to the city……we did after all have to be well rested for our tattoo appointments the next day.

Day 4

Portage Bay Café was a suggestion from our hosts, and it was a great one. I mean c’mon they have a fucking toppings bar for your pancakes, french toast and waffles.

I will tell you what, there is an incredible plethora of eateries in Seattle and we were never once disappointed during this trip….Well except for the late night decision Jones made for the blue cheese and bacon slathered sweet potato fries, that thank goodness we don’t have a photo of, a crime we can forgive but not forget……now for tattoos

As our friends know, we return from every trip with new tattoos so you all knew Seattle would get added to the collection. We went to Under the Needle Tattoo, right down town and actually under the needle, to see Matt Lentz. Who, I am confident in saying, is responsible for my new favorite piece,

he also did a really impressive job of getting creative in order to fill the space Jones had left on his forearm

So this wraps it up on the picture taking portion of the trip as my tattoo is placed nicely in the elbow crease of my right arm, other wise known as the ditch, thus raising the stakes on what seemed worth it to bring the camera to my eye. But I will add a few more suggestions/discoveries in the last hours of our time there.

Rays Boathouse has a great view, and despite their salty prices (pun intended) we really enjoyed our Cajun Rockfish, which was enough to share.

D’Ambrosio Gelato was so good, and satisfied our sweet tooth

The Tractor Tavern had a pretty good collection of music shows coming up. Like Austin Lucas, a personal favorite of mine who I missed seeing by just a couple of days.

I found an incredible selection of organic gauge jewelry at Pierced Hearts

Day 5

Our last day was all about Toulouse Petit Kitchen and Lounge and their breakfast happy hour. Sure you can order delicious eyeopening drinks, but their food is what it’s all about, as their breakfast menu is half-off and unbelievably good.

So there you have it, our first trip to the Pacific North West and it was great. Next time I hope we can make it up to Vancouver, CAN as well and maybe be a bit more prepared to spend some real time in the woods, but no matter what you like to do you really should make it out there….

xoxo The Jones’

Posted on September 14, 2011 by emeryruth

Here marks the fist installment of Keepin’ Up with the Jones’. Today is also our 4 year anniversary…..unbelievable and so good. No mushy stuff I promise, but one of my very favorite things about us, is the way we travel together and the fact that we do it often. We both share a desire to move on and out of the Midwest, but over the last four years have come to see that being where we are allows us the freedom to pick up and go when ever we want, to where ever we want and we do. Keepin’ up with these Jones’ has nothing to do with possessions and everything to do with experiences.

Seattle, Sea Town, The Emerald City

Day 1

We flew right out of South Bend at 9 a.m., transferred in Chicago and were in Seattle by noon.

During which time Jones confessed that he never had any intention to entertain my plan for us to only use the public transit system to get get around, you know to “really experience the city” as he had booked a rental car days ago…….but did book the economy option and was expecting something along the lines of a Ford Focus. Luckily for us our attendant was a rookie and clearly wanted to do a good job AND be cool, so when he made his offer to upgrade our selection to anything on the lot for just $10 a day Jones made no hesitation to say, “Well then, we’ll take the Cadillac.”

So I will admit, Jones won this one but we have both been thoroughly entertained by the fact that we are rolling through the narrow and rolling streets of Seattle, lined with Subaru’s, VW’s and Volvos in our all black Cadillac (or “The Sea-adillac” as we have taken to calling it) I mean can we make it anymore obvious that we aren’t from around here?

Our first mission was food and found this great mexican place in the Queen Anne neighborhood north of down town. Out door seating, wi-fi, fish tacos and margarita’s made this a great place to start. Then we set off to the Ballard area to get settled into the place we rented from Air BnB, which is an incredible resource for travel. Similar to Couch Surfer in concept Air BnB is a great alternative to hotels. You can find places to stay all over the world ranging from high rise lofts, to guest bedrooms, to boat houses. We landed a great deal in a converted garage. Private, super affordable and our preferred location. I highly recommend checking it out for your next trip.

After relaxing for a bit we headed up a few blocks to Sunset Park….We finished the night walking through Downtown Ballard and enjoyed a light snack at the old fire house now called Hi-Life and a nightcap at Hattie’s Hat

Day 2

Day 2 started off great at Cafe Besalu.

Now we have never been to Paris, so we can’t truly comment on the rumor that these croissants and pastries are in close competition with the authenticly Parisian, but these are absolutely the best we have ever had.

Then off to Pike’s Place Market, cause “you just have to.”

and it’s true. A pretty incredible selection of fresh produce, souvenirs and seafood, but it’s also the kind of place, that draws the kind of crowd, that makes me growl out loud, so once we made it to Mick’s Pepper Jelly Stand we made our escape and headed off to the Fremont neighborhood for their most incredible, SundayMarket. Booths and booths of crafts, antiques, food and fine art, which for me, definitely set the hook for this area of town. In fact I was enjoying myself too much to sit behind the camera and only got a shot of this great, locally made Ginger Ale….Original and Jasmine.

But we did enjoy some great food from Tandoozy’s and I was so excited to meet an incredible handmade artist, and personal idol of mine, Moorea.

Afterward we sat at the Fremont Coffee House and got online and relaxed until the sun went down, then strolled thru the darkened streets and ended up at The White Rabbit for an amateur comedy show, at which the funniest thing that happened was discovering that 2 other couples in the audience were from Indiana! We finished the night at The Ballroom, with incredible sangria, giant slices of pizza and the photo booth.

Stay tuned for part 2…….

Posted on September 6, 2011 by emeryruth

I made a reference to Dexter’s Dark Passenger monologue in my last post and want to clarify that I am not a serial killer, in fact “violent” is probably the least likely term that could be used to describe me. My dark passenger is a succubus, a savage temptress, who’s greatest desire is to reel you in and bring you to your knees. Her intentions are self-indulgent and her desires are driven by power and revenge. She is ruthless and will drain you and disappear. But she fills me up, my senses on point, my movements calculated, my body on fire. I know exactly what I want and can see so clearly how to get it. It almost feels supernatural. The catch, is sometimes it’s hard to control.

The catalyst for her arrival was the first time I experienced sex with another person. I was preteen and it was non consensual. The way I saw the world and myself in it changed from that point forward. But looking back it was in the weeks and months that followed, in my attempt to keep it a secret and understand it privately that this part of myself came to be. That was nearly 15 years ago, when my ideas about my sexuality had barely evolved past the curiously innocent explorations I enjoyed in private and the things I’d observed around me. Yet there I was, suddenly a “woman”, terribly ashamed, really fucking angry, and also intensely curious about the over whelming power of carnal desire. So naturally I became a vengeful harlot warrior. Ha. In reality I was more like an angry, out of control promiscuous girl and I played the part to a T. By 16 I had dropped out of school and moved away from home, and by 17 I was a full blown drug addict, all the while my relationship with my dark passenger becoming even more intertwined as that was the deal, she would protect me from harm, not with kung fu, or a sword and shield, but by deadening my ability to feel anything about everything that was incoming and outgoing and sharpening my skills at seduction. My range of emotion consisted of anger and lust.

Then just months before my 18th birthday my parents had me escorted to rehab and in the woods of Alabama is where I stayed for 2 years. Lots of things happened for me in that time. One of which was speaking candidly about being raped, which until then I had fought hard to never have to do. I got in touch with and was humbled by nature, as the program was based outdoors. And by the end I felt as though I had truly exorcised my dark passenger and was ready to stand on my own two feet. This notion lasted for approximately 6 weeks after returning home, before I came to the realization that I was still fully capable of all the necessary evils required for satisfying that hungry place inside of me, not to mention that I preferred it, because without that sultry presence I was left to awkwardly resume the missionary position in life, following rules, asking permission and being just one in a sea of millions. So for me there was no question about inviting her to stay. Because more than the feeling of anything I could drink or drug I could do, I missed the lust….so bla bla bla six years later I am about to celebrate 4 years together with Jones. At two years I ~~kind of~~ panicked. I just never saw myself in a long term relationship and didn’t know if I even wanted to be, so I moved out. Ultimately I knew my hesitations to move forward with Jones had less to do with whether or not he and I were a good fit, and more to do with being able to trust myself not be a compulsive harlet. I took a pretty hard look at that and have since moved back home, and very gladly I might add, but still feel like I have to temper myself a bit. So when I stumbled upon Ev`Yan’s writing at Sex Love and Liberation, the world shifted for me again. Here I was trying to stifle my deepest of sexual urges in order to maintain healthy relationships. Both with myself and others, yet I am reading her words and daily notes encouraging me to live in them, explore them and relish them. And not for the sake of power but of liberation……..

That’s when I discovered that I had it in my head that my sensuality is inclusive to my pathology. That acting in the name of raw desire was the same as signing the death certificate to my feelings for the situation. The more turned on my body becomes, the less I care. At least that’s been my M.O. And if I wanted to be committed, then I would have to let that part of me go. So no wonder the idea of being in an exclusive relationship, for a long time makes me feel a bit queasy. I’ve got myself convinced I have to be half the woman I am or want to be in order for it work. Once I figured that out I thought, “that’s bullshit, get a grip on the situation and get on with this incredibly sexy life”. My next realization was that of true sexual healing. That after years of therapy, working the steps and support groups, proclaiming my self a survivor thinking I was “cured” I only just realized this, I am a deeply sensual person, born from sex, drawn to desire and inspired by my senses, I feel everything around me through my body, be it through touch or sound or smell or emotion or sight it creates a stimulus that I am highly sensitive to. It is the current in which I move. I am also good person, deeply and genuinely and that neither of these things cancel the other.

So for the first time I have actually felt the grip of that dark presence in me loosen, lighten and surrender, even in moments of pleasure. Not because I am denying it exists, but because I am fully embracing it. (I wrote those 6 tips for me too) I am discovering pleasure everywhere and am experiencing it as much more than just a carnal act, but a way of life. I credit a great bit of that to the prompts for 30 Days of Sensuality (exclusive with the download of the manifesto) that arrive in my inbox everyday……so good.

So although I, have long since forgiven the man, who actually was more like a boy then, for his choice to violate me, long since understood myself to not be a bad person who deserved such a thing, since let go of the resentment to those in my life who I felt like slighted me by not preparing me for the harsh nature of reality (how could they have?)and have worked hard to forgive myself for the ways I have taken advantage of other people, and done my best to rectify the situation. It has only been recently that I have begun to fully accept myself, full of desire, want, curiosity and yearning and been liberated rather than afraid about what this means about me……….

Soneto XVII by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

*pls. note that the effects of abuse of any kind can manifest themselves in many ways, and should be regarded with the utmost sensitivity, but with a solid intention and great support it is possible to unweave yourself from the web. I believe in you -xoxo-

Posted on September 1, 2011 by emeryruth

This stuff gets me in the mood……….